An Open Letter to The Guy in the Hostel Dorm

You are the single most annoying person in the world, and you’re asleep. How are you doing that? I would be impressed if I didn’t want to kill you.

First off, you came in at god knows what time and wanted to turn on your bedside lamp to…get into bed? You needed a light for that? Can you only untie your shoes by sight? Then you actually fell asleep, and everything got worse. I have heard jet engines start that are softer than you yawning. Why are you yawning so much? Why do you keep moving around and itching yourself? That’s really loud in a quiet room like this. Also, for real, wtf is that popping/smacking noise you keep making? Is your jaw popping? Why is it happening every two minutes in sequences of three to five? What is wrong with you?

Oh my God, you just farted. I know this is a natural bodily function, but dude, I have stayed in mixed dorms before and this has never happened. It doesn’t even smell bad, it’s just one more unnecessary noise you’re emitting to disturb everyone else. This is why I choose the girls only dorm options when they’re available: girls never do this. It’s not for safety or security reasons, I’ve just never had the problem of a girl sleeping too loudly. Seriously.

You’re existence is rude. Please leave, or I’m going to have to change hostels.

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