An Open Letter to the Spider in my Apartment Part II: Balcony Edition

Dear Spider,

As you probably heard in my last arachnid aimed missive, I declared that I was chill with you quarter-size giants who have declared the front door your territory. About two weeks ago, I noticed that you had expanded your empire to the lights by the back door, the door through which I enter the majority of the time. Before going further, I would like to confirm that I have no problem with this, seeing as the lights are on the far sides of the building, and the door through which I pass is equidistant, and thus a fair distance, from both. I don’t want to crowd you guys. I try to respect my neighbors.

Which is why just under a month ago, when one of your horrifyingly sized brethren constructed a web overnight on my balcony, I was a little surprised to say the least. (Pleasantly at the web, not so pleasantly at the occupant. I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, that web was a work of art and was probably strong enough to support a small building. I destroyed it. I’m sorry.) I apologize for throwing sweet gum nuts him until he was launched off my third floor balcony, but I was having a mild panic attack induced by a hitherto unknown case of arachnophobia on my part. I trust you understand it was temporary insanity.

I will not be able to claim insanity this time, it seems, as your last trespasser scared the shit out of me so completely, I merely scowled (as opposed to screamed) when I woke up to discover another of your tribe has again made his home on my balcony.

Before I go back home with a pile of acorns to launch at this new Shelob, I would like to ask if you had a preference in how I tell him to leave. I haven’t noticed you bothering my downstairs neighbors; is it the smell of weed that bothers you? Should I invite everyone with medical marijuana over to convince this impolite monstrosity to gtfo? Or could I just light several hundred citronella candles? Do I need to commission Samwise Gamgee to borrow Sting and the Phial of Galadriel to take care of this? I may not have a platoon of Silvan Elves to keep your clan at bay, but I will burn the entire building to the ground if that’s what it takes to evict you.

The ball is in your court until I get home tonight.

God will not help you if this happens a third time.



Someone who never had a problem with spiders before you


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